Twelve years ago this week my daughter Ella Rose was born. Eric, my husband, and I weren’t sure we wanted to be parents, yet I was always curious about pregnancy. I’d watch all of those labor and delivery shows on TV and marvel at the process. So when we ended up deciding to have a baby, I could picture myself as one of those happily pregnant women. Staying active, delighting in the changes of her body, and really appreciating every moment.
We got pregnant really quickly. Almost as soon as we started trying. It all happened so fast that it made me nervous – but it was exciting too, and we went through all those things that newly pregnant couples do. Already planning our baby’s future in our minds. But that time, it was not meant to be. I was 10 weeks pregnant when I had a miscarriage, and the babies, twins we later found out, were lost.
It was hard for me to process at the time … this death of a child, or in this case children, who lived in my head but would never live in the world.
When I was fully healed we decided that we should move forward with Project Baby. Our determination was undimmed, and we knew that we wanted to try again. We were so fortunate, we got pregnant again right away. We felt as though we’d been given a second chance, and hopefully this one was meant to be.
“I spent the next 9 months in a constant low-level state of anxiety.”
For me, the pregnancy was not fun -— at all! I was always worried that I might lose this baby too. I couldn’t just go with the flow and be that fully present ‘earth mother’ I had imagined. All my joy at the idea of pregnancy had gone, and any twinge I felt made things worse. Of course the pregnancy and the worry were all worth it in the end. After a short, beautiful, natural labor Ella came into the world.
The reason I am sharing this story with you is because there are so many things in life, that have the potential to steal our joy, to rob us of being able to appreciate those little moments in life. It doesn’t have to be something so momentous as a pregnancy, it could be something as simple as you never singing in public because of the time you were made fun of in 2nd grade. Or never sharing your poetry with someone because a friend once told you they ‘didn’t get it’.
“Living in that state of anxiety, of fear, holds us back from getting true enjoyment from what we are doing, or what we want to do.”
As creative people, we might give up, or shy away from that part of ourselves because we become so consumed with what other people might think. We are super sensitive, and afraid of their judgement about us. We might feel that nervous anxiety which holds us back from moving forward and embracing our creative selves.
